Death and loss are one of the hardest things I have had to endure. When I was 29, I lost my mom to cancer and it hurt like hell. My mom was first diagnosed with multiple myeloma, a blood plasma cancer, when I was 20. The doctors thought she would die then; however, she miraculously survived. She rebounded so strong, I thought she was invincible. A mere nine years later, her cancer returned and within 30 days she died. I and my family were heartbroken. On Friday, the day after her death, we buried her, and I returned to work the following Monday.
I felt that I had to keep busy, or the grief and sadness would drown me. I did not know how to heal or if healing was even possible. I just did as many of us do, “keep on…keeping on.” While the keeping on helped, I want to offer a few other strategies to help individuals and families in the throws of grief.
Cry and Feel all of the Feelings—Someone you loved died. It is okay to cry and mourn them. Don’t force yourself to be strong or to be emotion-less. If you feel that the crying is not helping, make sure you aren’t judging yourself negatively for crying. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. It doesn’t mean you will do it forever. Crying is our body’s natural healing response. When we cry, we release endorphins that relieve pain. Trust me, it is okay to cry.
Surround yourself with people and things you love—Too often when we are sad, we want to shut down and close out the world; however, this is when you need people the most. Surround yourself with people who are going to check on you and make sure you are okay. Make sure they don’t demand you to be happy or “get over it.” They may want you to move on because they are worried about you but explain to them that you just need them to be there as opposed to “fixing” you. Make sure you acknowledge and appreciate them being there for you.
Continue to celebrate their life—There is a saying that you die forever the last time someone speaks your name. Thus, it is very important to continue to remember your loved one and speak about them often. Early in your grieving process, thinking about them may bring up several sad feelings but as time goes by, thinking about them will make you smile and recall warm nostalgic feelings. Many families continue to celebrate birthdays and other holidays (Mother’s Day) that were significant to the loved one. Individuals may create tattoos, charities, or other memorials to continue to celebrate their loved one. These activities help keep the loved one ever present.
Seek out grief counseling- Grieving can be hard but it does not have to be done alone. There are grief groups and individual counselors who can help you explore your feelings. Despite heading back to work on Monday, I called my former therapist on that Tuesday and re-engaged in therapy. My therapist helped me process not only the loss of my mother but also the traumatic feelings that I had regarding the quickness of her passing. In addition, she helped me explore the new family issues and my new role within the family following my mother’s death. Because death of a loved one impacts several aspects within our lives and requires several changes, you may also need to discuss how to handle those changes as well.
Buckle up and ride the ride—Grief is a roller coaster. There will be moments that scare you and make you wonder if you can make it through. You will make it; but it will be a bumpy ride. Thus, wear your seatbelt. Our seatbelt is engaging in the things that makes us feel safe. You will feel safe by doing the items listed above and by practicing meditation, saying no to busy work, and utilizing more self care habits.
I wish us all peace and wellness as we continue to grieve. If you are looking for a speaker on grief and wellness, please feel free to reach out.
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